reading under the trees
on slowing down before things ramp up
back yet again with another sunday substack! i started glimpses in the mirror to serve as (1) a creative outlet and (2) a space where i could take time to reflect on my week and slow down a little bit, especially when i am about to get ready to go.
busy, busy
busy is all i have felt since i moved to cambridge. i’ve had something to do every single day, except this week. with no formal classes, i had different events i had to attend to (like academic advising and internship expos) but nothing holding me hostage in my schedule. now of course i made a fake schedule for myself because how would my brain function otherwise? how could i go about a day and not even have a rough plan?
yet, these relaxed few days have really helped me slow down and look around. like today for example, i went outside and laid down in the soft harvard grass and just read my book. it felt like i was in a movie. the weather was beautiful, the trees were bristling above me, and i was just laying down in my own little world reading the words off a page that made me feel like i was watching a movie in my head. (current read is the things we leave unfinished by rebecca yarros) as i sat laying in the ridiculously soft northeastern grass, i realized i was laying in my real life dream. i had dreamt about this moment. the moment of me being at harvard and feeling so at peace i could just read my book on the grass and not feel out of place. but even though i felt so calm, a part of my heart was still yearning to be somewhere else.
game day blues
oh my goodness i cannot describe how much i wanted to be back at the university of florida getting ready with my friends to go tailgate and watch the gators play in the swamp. it honestly felt like my heart hurt. i miss my friends so dearly and a part of me still wishes i would have stuck to the normal path and did my undergrad in four years and had the traditional senior year i craved. but then i prayed about it. i don’t want my short time spent here at harvard to be consumed with thoughts about wishing to be somewhere else, while other people are dreaming to be right where i am. i guess that’s a never ending human predicament though, isn’t it? wanting something we can’t have.
however, i am happy to report it became clear after some time in prayer and just thought in general that it came to me - if i wanted to be different and have a different type of career, then i had to make some sacrifices and do things differently. my time at uf is something i will always love and go back to in my mind any chance i get, but i think it hit me this weekend that as much as i want to be in the swamp, God’s purpose for me is to be rooted right where i am. He wouldn’t have called me so far away from everything and everyone i love for nothing. i continue to believe in His calling on my life and that His plans for me that are meant for good. but even with good plans, i think i will continue to have game day blues until i am back in the swamp cheering on an awful football team with the people i love. it’s only natural.
boston bookstores
anyways, instead of wishing to be somewhere i couldn’t, i decided to take action and enjoy being where i am - so i made plans. (still actively trying to pursue making friends over here) i met up with one of my new friends and explored some local bookstores, an activity that i will always love. we ended up at two different little stores with completely different vibes and i ended up with two new books. trust me, i wasn’t supposed to buy any books but i couldn’t help it. i collect them like souvenirs every time i explore a new place.
needless to say, the best way to get around the city is on the t and i’m still scared of it. i’m hoping some day in the distant future i can look back on that sentence and laugh at myself but today is not that day. i’ve heard too many stories and quite frankly can be a scaredy cat when it comes to new things like public transportation. yet, my new friend gently pushed me to try it by myself and i can safely say that (with some help) i navigated from the green line to the red line and then rode the red line all the way home by myself. i feel like i am starting to get the hang of things here and that makes me really happy.
all this to say…
that i needed this week so i could slow down and really be grateful for where i am, even though it comes at the cost of where i could be. we all make choices about our future, sometimes big and sometimes small, but they lead us to where we are supposed to be. every single day i miss uf and the senior year i have imagined in my head, but i would be lying if i said i wasn’t excited about how this year at harvard could change my life in ways i might never expect. as i look at my schedule for fall, i’m realizing i might not have much time to sit back and relax but i am excited and i think that counts for something. my passion and my curiosity led me this far and i am delighted to see where they take me next. hopefully to reading under more trees as long as the weather permits.
highlight reel
my jellycat’s
trader joe’s dark chocolate pretzels
scoring my dream class schedule
facetime calls with people i love
$10 target flip flops
silver bracelet stacks
booked flights
naps
thank you for reading and i hope you enjoyed this little glimpse in my brain!
love you to pieces,
jacqueline 💌
